Bugged

     Last Saturday I cleaned my house from top to bottom.  I dusted, mopped, scrubbed, vacuumed and scoured until everything was sparkling.  Some people may say that cleaning is overrated or that it is a waste of time, but I love the feeling of relaxing in a clean, orderly, lovely smelling (courtesy of my Scentsy) home.  It has been four days since I cleaned, and I sit here amazed that everything is still relatively unsullied and fairly organized.  The windows sparkle as the mid afternoon light streams through them onto the sleek Pergo floor.  The mirror above the piano is as clear as, well, glass.  Books sit in neat stacks under the coffee table and the leather couches still retain a trace of lemon scented polish.  Two mason jars containing dead insects rest on the middle of the counter.  Piano music is put away.  The hamper has no laundry overflowing from it's top.  Beds are made and toys are put away.  Even the refrigerator magnets are tastefully (as tasteful as refrigerator magnets can be) arranged and equally spaced...........oh, what's that you say?  Did the jars of dead insects on the counter seem out of place to you in my description of domestic bliss?  Well, let me tell you, they seem out of place to me too!  My idea of a clean and comfortable home is one that is not only dust free, but also bug free.  I am not a bug person.  As I don't know many people who would consider themselves "bug people", I will expound.  When I come across a creepy crawler, the register of my voice goes up a good two octaves and my feet become springs as I bounce around the bug in a frenzied manner.  Most people can kill spiders with little difficulty.  Now, I realize that spiders are not insects.  But, while we are on the subject of creepy crawly things, I must mention the creepiest and crawliest of them all.  I have no problem holding live snakes.  I think mice are cute.  But, lock me in a room with a spider, and there's no telling which one of us would come out of there alive.  On the few occasions when I have had to kill spiders on my own, the process has taken a good twenty minutes and has involved much screaming, flailing of arms and perhaps a few inadvertent obscenities.  By the time I pick the dead abomination up with a handful of no less than twenty tissues, I have exerted as much physical and emotional energy as most people would exert trying to fight off a lion.  Spiders are my nemesis.  I can't say I'm much fonder of insects.  I have been known to defy gravity to remove myself from the path of an overzealous grasshopper.  And moths send me into a fit of hand batting, head shaking, arm flailing hysterics.
     About two weeks ago, my daughter brought a note home from school informing me that she would need to complete a bug collection containing at least 10 bugs, which would be due the 21st of this month.  I stared at the paper for a good five minutes.  I called Dirk and informed him that he would be helping Morgan collect 10 bugs for a collection which would be due on the 21st.  He seemed fine with the idea and even said it would be easy after the collection of 100+ bugs he had had to come up with in high school.  I knew I wouldn't be able to catch any of the bugs, but I figured I could at least start doing some Google research on different methods of capturing, preserving and displaying insects.  In my research, I discovered that the two easiest ways to kill insects are, 1) to put them in a jar, close the lid and stick the jar in the freezer, or 2)to put them in a jar with a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol and asphyxiate them.  As much as I hate bugs, I have trouble with the idea of killing any creature using either of these methods.  I eat vegetarian three to four days a week and have considered becoming a full time vegetarian because I so dislike the idea of innocent animals dying.  It's a shame they taste so delicious when marinated and cooked, or when dipped in batter and fried to crispy golden brown perfection. Alright, enough with the tangent.  Back to the battle of the bothersome bugs.  The freezing method can apparently take a few weeks, as the poor disgusting critter slowly slips into a permanent unconsciousness and then returns to the fiery abyss from whence it undoubtedly came.  Even bugs should have a more dignified death than that.  My second problem with the freezing method is that I really do not relish the thought of reaching into my freezer for a pint of Ben and Jerry's and instead pulling out a jar of Praying Mantis a la mode.  I actually had a Praying Mantis in my freezer for a few days.  Shortly after assigning Dirk to assist Morgan with her bug collection, I also recruited my father.  My parents live in the foothills near open fields, which teem with quite a variety of critters, including Praying Mantis. I decided this would be an impressive specimen to add to the collection and assigned my dad the special task of procuring one.  I felt bad asking him to do this, as I don't think he relished the idea of killing a Mantis any more than I do.  While killing a Mantis is not quite killing a mockingbird, I still think there has to be some type of bad karma that comes from killing the Ghandi of insects.  But my dad, who is always willing to lend a hand, no matter how unsavory the required favor, presented me with a pint sized jar when we came to their house for a Labor Day picnic.  In the bottom of the jar was a smallish brown female Praying Mantis.  As I gazed at her, I was overcome with a mix of awe and revulsion.  The poor emaciated creature looked like she had indeed been praying; sending her last desperate plea to God as she folded her gangly buggy legs in what looked like a mark of reverence.  Her huge orb like eyes were vacant, but I still somehow felt she was looking at me.......plotting her revenge.  I watched the bug jar nervously as we drove home.  It rested on the floor by my foot.  I just knew at any moment that Dirk would brake too hard........sending the jar into the air and then.........down would come mason jar, mantis and all.  The second she was free of the confines of her glass prison, I was sure she would go right for my jugular  (even Ghandi may have gotten a little ticked if he had been trapped in a glass jar by menacing giants).  Thankfully, the ride home was free of insect incident.  When we got inside, Dirk set the jar on the counter.  As I entered the kitchen a while later to get the kids some water for bedtime, I glanced at it.  I saw a twitch, then another......Ghandi was still alive!!!!  I knew it!  She had been waiting until she was firmly planted in enemy territory to make her move.  I screamed.  Dirk dashed in, briefly assessed the situation, rolled his eyes, and put the jar in the freezer.  I went to bed half terrified and half bemused, trying to come up with lyrics to a spoof song which would be entitled, "It's just another mantis Monday."
     The next day, Dirk caught a small black beetle he found crawling across our living room floor.  I heard the sound of a lid being removed from a jar and began to panic......."WHY is he letting the mantis out?!", I thought.  That's when he entered holding aloft the beetle jar.  He doused a cotton ball in rubbing alcohol, threw it in the jar and closed the lid.  The beetle was on it's back and it's legs were wriggling as fast as buggy legs can go.  In my mind it was writhing in pain.  I had to look away.  I will have to recruit Dirk's help again when it comes time to pin the poor creepers to a display board.  I had a hard time even reading about sticking a pin through the thorax while trying to avoid cracking the delicate exoskeleton.  Now, I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking I am going to end this post with some sentimental gibberish about the unappealing things we do for the love of our children.  Not so. I am wondering which religion is opposed to killing any living creature and which  I can join for exactly one year when Hyrum reaches third grade.