I Quit!

Warning: this may be a bit of a pity party (at least until I write myself out of it). Yes, today is one of those days that I just need to vent, to put my feelings out there in the hopes that perhaps someone else somewhere understands how I feel. Have you ever watched the show Wipeout? My kids think it is absolutely hysterical, and I have to admit that slapstick comedy never really gets old for me either. In case you are a cave dweller and have never seen an advertisement for the show, or the show itself, I will fill you in. All you really need to know is that a lot of people get clobbered, pummeled, bounced off of giant red balls, and ultimately end up in the water, beat up and defeated. There; you are now caught up. Today I can really relate to the contestants on Wipeout, though sadly I have arrived at the point of defeat and exhaustion without anywhere near the excitement......no giant red bouncy balls in sight. I have always been a people pleaser. I know that is one of those generic terms that everyone throws around and claims to be. But I truly am. I like to earn my gold stars. I had to stop looking on Facebook because it was making me upset when no one "liked" my status. I have always cared too much what others think of me. I know it is a problem, and I am working through it, mainly because if I don't work through it soon, I am liable to be six feet under the ground where I won't be much use to anyone but the worms. Being a people pleaser is exhausting. I also tend to be extremely tender-hearted. So, basically, I am a walking doormat. Feel free to use me anytime you need. I often feel like I am simply a means to an end to many of my friends. As soon as I become expendable or unnecessary to them, I don't expect to hear from them again. I send people sympathy cards when their dog dies who never even thought twice about condoling with me after my miscarriage (something that, to me was a devastating personal loss). There are maybe a handful of people in my life whom I feel love me as unconditionally as I love them. And perhaps that is normal. And I am so grateful for those people. I hope I express my gratitude often enough. Of course, three of the people I love the most in the entire world are my children. And I expect to be a doormat for them. That's a mother's job. I don't expect them to fully realize or appreciate what I sacrifice for them until they have children of their own some day. Truth be told, the main reason I am in the throws of a "why me?" tantrum (which by the way, is not even a legitimate one- no Ben and Jerry's-although I have snitched four chocolate chip cookies off the counter) is because of my children. It has been one of those days where you question if anything you have tried tirelessly to teach your children has sunk in, or even been heard. My mom took my son and I to his favorite restaurant for lunch. And my sweet boy was apparently taken over by an evil pod person. He was acting like Veruka Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I actually told him at one point that I was going to send him down the bad egg shoot. I will spare you the details. Let's just say, that my son, whom I know to be a sweet and caring boy, was acting like a spoiled rotten brat. The entire way home I found myself wondering where I have gone wrong as a mother. Have I been too much of a doormat? Have a been too strict? Did I do wrong by my children by not instituting a "naughty mat" as Supernanny commanded all parents to do? I strive to teach my children to be generous, grateful and kind above all else. Today, I saw the exact opposite of that in my son's behavior, and I found myself feeling defeated as a parent.

I suppose all parents have days when they feel this way. In fact, anyone reading this who has teenagers is probably laughing and thinking to themselves, "You just wait". Parenting is the hardest job in the world, no ifs, ands or buts about it. You are literally responsible for molding lives. And, if you one day realize that you are not as good a life molder as you had hoped to be, there's no quitting, or changing majors. No one (save maybe Social Services or the state police) can even "fire" you if you are doing a crappy job as a parent. And, talk about taking your work home with you.....as a stay at home mom, you never leave it! It's a 24-7 job- no lunch breaks, sick days, paid leave....ok- no pay at all. Most nights you don't even get to sleep off the exhaustion (especially when you have a seven month old who is still waking up five times a night).

And, now, here comes the part where I will write myself out of this pity party......let's see if I can truly become the Houdini of words.......drum roll please.........I realize I can't quit being a mother, nor would I want to. It is the hardest thing (times 1,0000) that I've ever had to do, but it is also the best thing I can think of spending my days doing. Among the days when my children are possessed by demons, there are also days of belly laughs and peanut butter kisses, stacks of library books and mac n' cheese. There are "I love you mommy's" and crayon drawings of princesses and dinosaurs. There are days of popcorn, pj's and Disney movies. And there are even those rare shining moments (in which I may or may not give myself a little gold star on a chart in a secret notebook) when my children prove that something I have tried to teach them is sinking in. Being a mother is bittersweet. It breaks your heart and keeps it beating all at the same time. It makes you want to curl up in a hole and hide, but it also gives you a reason to live. Failure or not, I love being a mother. I also love that I am a compassionate person. I love being able to feel for those around me. Perhaps I get clobbered for it when the concern does not seem reciprocal, but I will not become jaded because of it. I will just love those people more. I may have experienced a total wipe out today, but that doesn't mean I won't be right back up on those giant red bouncy balls trying even harder tomorrow. If there were one quality about myself that I cherish, it would be that I am persistent. I don't give up. My favorite quote is by Mother Theresa: "I cannot do great things; only small things with great love." I hope that I will always open my heart to those around me, and try in small ways to make my little corner of the world a better place.