On Being a Writer Who Doesn't Write

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" If we all had a dime for every time we were asked that question while growing up, what we would probably now be is incredibely wealthy. Until I was about seven years old I was firmly set on the idea of being a circus clown when I grew up. Seriously. I thought it was the perfect gig- you got to wear a goofy costume and makeup and make people laugh, and probably got all the free cotton candy you wanted. I then went through a brief period of wanting to be a vet. Then I started the fourth grade. I was in the T.A.G. program, and I had one teacher for math and science (Mrs. Cook) and one for English and History (Mrs. Strickland). Mrs. Strickland taught us about great writers, in fourth grade!! I was in the same program in fifth grade. This is when I discovered poetry. We did all sorts of writing excercises. One I distinctly remember was taking the work of a famous poet, say William Blake, and modeling a poem after their style. I couldn't get enough. I entered our school's "Young Author" competition and won first prize for poetry. My circus clown days were over. I was going to be a writer. In sixth grade, I had an English teacher named Mrs. Oliver who would read my poetry out loud to the class. She made me feel like I could do anything. Clear up through high school, teachers would read my work aloud as an example of good writing. I was on my way. Then came college, with it's blitz-krieg of "constructive criticism." I had a Children's Lit teacher who flat out told us that none of us would ever become published writers because it was too competitive a field. And this is what mystifies me. As parents and teachers, we are supposed to insitll in children a sense that they can do anything they put their minds to. Then, the minute they step out of the safe haven of home and high school, and into the "real world", this positive reinforcement comes to a screeching halt. But, what is to be done about this? Should we administer small doses of harsh reality to our children throughout their lives, so that when the veil of childhood idealism is ripped from their eyes they won't be crushed? Or do we just help them understand the very important difference between "doing something" and "being something." For example; I am a writer. In my heart of hearts that is what I am and what I always have been. I have never even attempted to write anything publishable. I am far too much of a people pleaser for that. To be a "real" writer you have to be willing to play a never ending game of whack-a-mole, and you get to be the mole. I don't want to be the mole. I am also a mother, and this, fotunately is also what I do. And, despite the sometimes chaotic atmosphere of being a stay-at-home mom, I love what I do. But, very rarley do people get payed to "be" what they actually are. My husband is a banker. But this is not who he is. This is a job he does to pay the bills. I think maybe we should start asking our children what they want to "be" when they grow up and what they want to "do" when they grow up as two distinct questions. When I think of my dreams for my children, I realize I don't really care what they "do", as long as they are truly happy. They could end up doing the job of a garbage man or a janitor. What is more important to me is that they grow up to be caring, compassionate people who desire to make a positive difference in this world. As for me, I will continue to write my 15- minute unedited tirade each week as some sort of outlet for the writer in me. Maybe one day I will become brave enough to be the mole. And hey, if this whole writing thing never pans out, there's always clown college.