Top Dog

Women are dogs. I hate to be so hard on my own sex, but there it is. It is often said that men are dogs and that women cat fight, but society has gotten this all mixed up. I say it is the other way around. First, let's take a look at cats and men. Cats are anti-social. They generally like to do their own thing. There are entire days when they barely leave there favorite spot on the couch except to find food. When cats do have a sudden productive urge, they often express it by hunting down weaker prey and leaving the entrails of said prey for the lady of the house to clean up. And every cat fight which I have been witness to has involved plenty of blood and gore. Also, cats generally go to the litter box by themselves. I have yet to see a group of felines waiting in line for the Fresh Step. Cats and men are both solitary beings.

Now let's take a look at women and dogs. Dogs are needy. They are territorial (if you don't think women are territorial just try to flirt with one of your friend's husbands and see how long you stay friends). They like to antagonize one another. Instead of beating the tar out of one another as cats do, dogs will stand for hours just barking at one another from opposite sides of the fence. Dogs are people pleasers. In fact, it is their main goal in life to please almost every one they meet. And, last but not least, dogs, when in the wild, travel in packs. Where there is a pack, there is always a leader of the pack (where there is a leader of the pack, there is always an irritating eighties song that plays over and over again in your head- maybe that's just me......). We hear so much about the alpha male of society, but the alpha female is scarcely mentioned. Perhaps some of you reading this post are alphas. I myself, am not. But we have all had our fair share of experience with the alpha female. She is the woman in the room whose jokes are always hilarious, who can make snide, jabbing remarks and play them off as charming. There is a threat of retaliation always lurking behind her perfectly set, Crest white teeth, should anything upset the delicate balance that keeps the rest of the pack firmly and fearfully at her flank. Her clothes are the best because she wears them the best. Her husband is the best because he is married to her. Her children are the best because.......hello.....they are the offspring of perfection itself! She will rarely admit these truths in a direct manner, but every body movement, every girlish giggle, every, "Truly darling; you are too kind" conveys that perfectionism is her territory. And if another member of the pack were to dare to endeavor to surpass her in any area, that member would be promptly ousted from the pack and become a lone wolf. The most telling sign that you may be in the presence of the alpha bitch (what?- it's a female dog) is this- whenever you are in her presence, you automatically go into compete mode, whether you are by nature a competitive person or not. I have never had much of a competitive edge myself, but I can always tell when the alpha is near because some deep instinctual urge rises up within me.......some primal drive to acclimate, to follow the lead of the alpha; to do what she is doing only better. I have non-alpha friends whom I feel perfectly comfortable hanging out with in sweats and no makeup. If, however, I know I may be in the presence of an alpha that day, I spend an inordinate amount of time in front of the mirror, and still leave feeling defeated because I do not look like Angelina Jolie, and Angelina Jolie is the only person in the world who could possibly throw off the alpha's game.

For these reasons, I spent most of my time in high school hanging out with guys. There was no drama, no behind the back open-mouthed gapes upon spying a jean label that wasn't designer. As a result of my hanging out with guys to avoid being dominated by the alphas, I was voted "biggest flirt" in my high school senior class.......basically the same thing as "most hated" by all of the other females in the senior class. I naively believed that the female pack mentality would end after high school. Was I ever wrong! The packs are perhaps even more impenetrable when the alphas reach adulthood.

I know I am coming off as being bitter toward all other women. This truly is not the case. I have some very dear, life long friends who happen to be other ousted pack members who just didn't make the cut. And I think I am finally beginning to realize that most of us leave the pack by choice. We reach a breaking point; then have a moment of clarity when we finally realize that we have been running our whole lives, out of breath, paws bloody, trying desperately to keep up with a pack of wolves, when we were really born to be lionesses.